2025-10-11 Journal Entry

I don’t really know why I have this compulsion to start writing at 8pm. Actually I do know: I heard that Nhyta is still interested in me, and that gives my brain something to spiral around and plan and more-or-less use as a spark to light my metaphorical fuse.

The BLUF is that Nhyta went to Taiwan to see Kimmie, Kimmie mentioned that I had visited a few months ago, Kimmie tells all of this to Tanya who tells me. Nhyta asked if I was seeing anyone, and Kimmie doesn’t really know — not like we’re in touch or whatever, and I’m not anyways — but says that I certainly didn’t mention anyone girlfriend or anything while I was there, and Nhyta says that it’s because she was still interested in me. Fascinating.

I don’t know. What the hell. No small part of this is a bit of an ego boost — I’m not going to lie that it does feel good to have someone still thinking about you after years. I thought about Nhyta for a bit, sure, but after we last spoke, I really didn’t feel particularly interested in her at all, and frankly I sort of assumed the same from her side. She was extremely awkward when we last got drinks, and I got the sense that she pretty much just wanted me to leave. (I assumed that was mostly out of malice.) Oh and I forgot to mention that I believe Kimmie said Nhyta had broken up with (or been broken up with by?) someone recently, so it’s entirely possible that that was some spur-of-the-moment thing.

My current position, and I’m writing this down mostly to get this out of my brain, is that while I’m certainly flattered about it, I haven’t really given the question of whether I’d get back together with her much real consideration. That’s not the least because it’s been seven years since we broke up — a break up that was sort of weird and disastrous anyways — and for all I know she’s an entirely different person. I know I am. And I for certain don’t want to go revert back to our previous selves or to our old relationship. I feel (somewhat surprisingly, if I’m honest) confident that I wouldn’t let that happen on my end, and I’m very curious how she would be in a relationship these days. As much as I thought she was particularly interesting back then, I wonder quite a lot whether she really got past a lot of this paralyzing grudge-holding that she did or if she really learned any amount of emotional regulation. Based on our last conversation, in which she described essentially not liking any of her friends and didn’t really describe anything particularly great going on in her life, I get the sense that she really hasn’t. That doesn’t make me optimistic, but it’s very hard for me to make any kind of judgement call about any of this. Who the hell knows.

Anyways, that’s my piece. There may be more on this in the future (grab your popcorn!). Part of me hopes so if only because it’s a particularly interesting turn in my life, but honestly a part of me wishes that things just continued on without it. Several aspects of my college years have popped back up recently, and I really don’t know how to feel about it. Sometimes those are years better left behind.

Much love.

-R