2025-04-11 Journal Entry

We’re back baby. It’s 5am and I’m awake and ready to go. The caffeine still is waiting to really kick in, and I don’t feel like really downing the whole thing in one go so it might be a while until I feel sufficient caffeinated. Not to mention that I’m still quite jet-lagged (hence why I’m awake at 5am), so that made yesterday just be entirely clouded by brain fog and the mental overhead of doing a ton of small chores and one-off tasks.

It is thus far quite strange to be back. I’m sufficiently aware of all the myriad little things that take up much of my attention, and I hope that by sorting those out and reminding myself what I’m working towards, I’ll naturally make my way there. I did find myself naturally doing the whole “play this out to the end” tactic in bed this morning, and that really got my ass up and going. I just was there on my bed, looking at my phone, considering what my morning would look like if I just waited out the hours until the sun peeks out. I could just lay there in bed for another few hours and it wouldn’t really matter. But then I thought about how much work I had put in to writing, my desire to find more like-minded people out there, and then I thought about what life could be life could be like, what this other life would look like, if I really put in the work. If I really tried my hardest to make something of all these words that come out of me. And then I got up and made breakfast and am actually Doing Some Shit now, which feels good. Plus I actually took the time to make a Real Breakfast, not just to crush a monster and call it a day. I made some eggs and rice and a protein shake and ate a banana. I’m so goddamn sore from working out yesterday that I think I really do need to be putting down some calories if I want to keep that up. Plus it felt good to work out again. Working on your own time is amazing.

What else is on my mind. I keep coming back to these videos of complete rides on Toyko subway lines. Not necessarily because of anything about Tokyo in particularly, but just because of the really soothing rhythm of the whole thing. The sound of the train on the tracks, the little jingles, the fuzzy texture of the driver’s announcements. Something about it is really calming. I feel like a toddler falling asleep in the back of a car as we’re driving around – I guess it’s just the rhythm that makes us so sleepy.

And I am sleepy. I really could probably fall back asleep now that I’ve eaten, although I would like to keep writing after this, so maybe that’s something for later in the day. A nap would be nice, although that’s exactly what I told myself yesterday too and that never happened.

I really need to cut my nails.

Ummmmm what else is happening. Thoughts, thinking, words, they are all here on the page waiting to be found. Butts, ass, tail. I don’t know, what else is going on. I’ve surrounded myself with books, with so many different potential reads that I’d like to get through all of them. I hope for them to basically be aspirational, for them to be writers I’d like to be like. Many of them I haven’t read though, so while some of them are writers I would want to be like (Wallace, McCarthy), many are also writers I think I want to be like (Dostoevsky, Mieko Kawakami, Zadie Smith, Thomas Pynchon, Maggie Nelson). I mostly just want to get an education in literature in a way that I didn’t have before. Think of it as a crash course, or just maybe burning through my stack of books that I didn’t read but that I really want to. There’s also some philosophy stuff strewn around here, some sci-fi, some random self-help type shit. I don’t know. We’ll see how it all plays out.

You know it’s time to trim your nails when you’re essentially hitting the keyboard with your fingernail instead of with the fleshy part of your finger. That’s fucking disgusting, so I’m going to go do that now for a second before I start writing some fiction. See you on the other side.