2025-04-07 Journal Entry

Breakfast eaten, coffee acquired (but still waiting to hit by bloodstream) – we’re locked and loaded.

I slept like shit last night, and I don’t really know why. The night before I slept okay, but not much worse than usual. But yesterday by like 7pm I was exhausted and felt like I was going to collapse. I fell asleep for a nap for about 2.5 hours and woke up around 10, and then I was awake from 10 until 3am and couldn’t sleep the entire time. And then I crashed from 3am until about 9am. So all in all I got enough sleep, but I got it in basically the worst way possible.

Let me see, what else is going on. I watched a new Frank Yang video yesterday, and it’s kinda crazy how much his perspective on the world jolts me into a sort of mystical state. But also perhaps that was the sleep deprivation part of me talking – that’s absolutely a real thing too.

I’m curious what will happen when I go home for a bit. The nice thing about going home nowadays is that it actually is my home, that it actually is my own property with some semblance of privacy and what not. And so I’m hoping that that means I’ll be able to keep up my current schedule fairly consistently.

To be clear by what I mean by “my schedule,” since I haven’t exactly been the best at keeping a schedule even now, I mean every day doing Morning Pages and writing another 3 pages of fiction. OF course I have really fallen off the wagon on the fiction thing, and I think that’s just this part of me that hates reading my own work and wants to protect me from eating shit, but I really want to be on an all-shit diet from now on, just constantly eating shit until it becomes less shitty. That’s really the solution – it’s not to avoid eating shit, but to make the shit more palatable and less shit-like. (I truly am a master writer, just look at that last sentence. I mean wow.)

And so anyhow, I think when I get the inevitable question of “so what now,” there’s probably a few things I’d like to be doing. One is writing every day, regardless of any set of outcomes from it, but sitting down and writing for like an hour or two every single day feels appropriate if that’s the skill I’d like to build.

Blah blah blah I’m just really eating shit on this brain fog right now. I’m only halfway through my cup of coffee, and it’s like it’s really starting to breathe some life into me. Or really it’s every time I bring my attention back here every time my mind has wandered, it’s like the elevator from Severance but in a good way, more like going up and being my outie again or something. (I don’t know yet if we should be distinguishing the innie/outie bit as good/bad or preferred/avoided etc., but you get where I’m going here. It’s more about that schwoop camera flare than any morality judgements.)

And but so here I am, soon to be home from constantly traveling abroad, and feeling generally a little bit sad. Not sad to be going home, and I will be glad for a nice comy place to stay, but a little bit like I’m going back to a life that I need to kinda toss out and rework. There’s so much to do. I guess it all really boils down to selling the house, which if I decide to do that (which I’m still leaning towards doing, it’s just too big of a financial burden to me honestly) will involve all the financial and legal shenanigans around the house, and then I’d have to get movers and figure out if/where I want to store everything and what all will go into my new little studio. I’m thinking probably no TV, just books and records and a futon and probably some kind of low table, a very Japanese style room I’d imagine. It’s just needs to be highly configurable, I’d say. Depending on the size, I may keep my desk around with a monitor or whatever, but what I could do is convert it to use my mac mini that I never actually got rid of instead of having it use the PC. And that way a lot of my stuff will Just Work on there, moving programming stuff around is easy enough with git, etc.

Anyways, I’m over my word count almost entirely with some nonsense and mind rambling. I’m still not entirely awake. But I must keep writing, so on to some fiction.