2025-02-08 Journal Entry

The last few days have been weird, and maybe that’s why I started writing again all of a sudden. Traveling like this is all fun, it really is, but I feel a bit overwhelmed at the ocean of choices that could be made in any given moment. I really do want to see it all, but I also want to see each place deeply, feels its language in my mouth, meet its people earnestly. That feels a bit impossible sometimes.

There’s also all the stresses of my stupid debit card situation, which I’m hoping will be wrapped up today if all goes well, but who knows, really.

Meditation also feels like a bit of a non-goal lately, but in many ways that’s because of the same troubles I was having before where I feel like everything needs to play into my grand life plan or whatever. I read an article lately called It’s okay to live the wrong life, which I thought was oddly comforting in its own way. I don’t always feel like I’m living the wrong life, but I feel like I don’t have enough time to really live the right one. Enough time, or enough resources. (I’m about to reference Naruto, which kinda makes me want to throw up, but here goes.) In Naruto, he needs to learn some shit really quickly in order to level up to beating Sasuke or whatever, and so he makes hundreds of clones of himself and they all learn simultaenously. That’s what I need, except I need one me to be reading constantly, one to always be at the gym, one to be writing, one to be meditating in a cave somewhere. These are all the lives that could be. I want them all.

But I suppose we really cannot be all of these lives. That’s what’s so painful to me about living such a short life, that there are many things which I meaningfully want to do, that I yearn for, and that I also don’t really, actually have time for.