2024-11-13 Journal Entry

It’s late and I just feel like putting words out. I feel vaguely sad in a way that I’m not really sure how to articulate.

I think it’s the beginning of this mourning process really – mourning for whatever kind of life I had before. Letting go of some amount of stability, my life’s legibility the sacrificial lamb at an unknown altar.

I was sitting here watching reels on Instagram and so many of them are simply reductive, and the ones that aren’t feel like lost lambs. There’s the half of us that operate on noise and the other half that find the wrong signals. The world has many secrets but only some are worth finding.

Will love last? Do we really uncover that secret part within us, that little spark, the colors beneath the static? Do we actually get there?

What happens if we don’t?

War was just the judge’s attempt to feel something, a reason to dance. The answer is not war but it is to have skin in the game. Without that, we’re squandered.

Blegh, I spit these thoughts out. May they leave me, all bile. I want to sleep but am not tired. I simply want to try again tomorrow.

I just want to hear. I want to be quiet and to hear the turning of the wheel. I want to understand.

May I be free.

Life has so many anxieties, infinite things to want to control. It’s not really the comparison that bothers me, but rather that there are so many lives to have lived. This one is mine, ugly bastard that he is. He’s my guy, though.

Aaaaaaahahh words words WoRDs are coming out of my fingertips and onto this page. Squirrels fly through the air like Zeros. These are all real worlds made by real people. Oh man does anyone remember that creepypasta “normal porn for normal people.” I don’t even remember the real contents of that creepypasta but I remember the title.

aasaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I am typing so many things.

My brain feels quite close to the consistency of a potato. I had like 2 drops of alcohol is that what this does to you. I want to die now.

Or at least sleep – to dream, etc.

Good night.