2024-10-26 Journal Entry

I’m going through my teens in my twenties. I turned 28 this year, but I feel like I’m only now coming into the feeling of revolt, independence, and rebellion against authority that one associates with their teens or early twenties.

It’s perhaps not quite the same, though it certainly rhymes. “Rebellion” is probably the wrong word. I think there’s at least a bit more intellect involved here, the aversion infused with a pulling-toward instead of a pushing-away.

Does everyone feel this way? That at wherever they are in life, they’re behind? Behind not necessarily compared to one’s peers but rather to the fact of their own mortality. Behind in the sense that I’m just now really aware of how much time I’ve got left, how many skills I have to acquire, and I’m already like a third of the way through. The end will only arrive faster.

Awake! Awake!

There’s one impulse to sprint out the doors, directionless. There’s another impulse to think deeply about what you need to get done, but at the cost of time spent thinking, with the risk that one thinks one’s life away. The latter has been my life experience so far.

I don’t really know what all to say at this point. Just going to do the classic thing and just write a bunch of words out. I don’t remember the source of the quote, but I read something recently where they said that there’s no better medicine than ink, and that has felt true for me recently.

It feels related to Natalie Goldberg’s whole thing about writing as dharma practice. At some point everything is sensations, memories. That little ineffible thing inside of us is just the world trembling through us.

The pairs of young women sharing their stories; one meeting influencers on a solo trip and another reflecting on her relationship with her mother (warm, but distanced).

The odd blue tile flooring of the coffee shop with stains on the walls. Successful by virtue of being the only place in the Village. I may just give up on this coffee and get a Red Bull instead.

If you watch yourself from the outside, it can be surprising. My default mode is often to pump in some chemicals and caffeine. I cannot allow myself to feel truly tired.