2023-06-04 Journal Entry

🍃 Season: 🌷 Spring 🔆 Weekday: Sunday 🗓 Date: June 4, 2023 📅 Week: May 29 – Jun 4, 2023

Good morning, my lovely. Yesterday I did a long sit (well, long as in 45 minutes or so) and it was the first time in a while I felt that post-meditation glow, that real sensory clarity that comes from digging in and focusing. The downside is that part of the way I did that was by drinking 200mg of caffeine at like 5pm, so I kinda slept like shit, or at least got to bed really late. But it was an interesting and IMO worthwhile experience. It reminded me of going on retreat, where I put down my phone and just sat outside for 30 minutes drinking tea and watching the sky. It reminded me of all those dark nights before the final sit of the evening, taking some tea and cheese and those tasty date bars from the kitchen, and enjoying the cold evening air. I remember how my heart felt so open then as it did yesterday, how my attention was clear and everything was right in front of me. I’d like to work on maximizing that nowadays.

I don’t have much to write about at this very moment, at least nothing about life, so I’m going to sit around and free associate and just let my fingers go for a little while here. Who knows what will come out. It kind of reminds me of that piece for solo double bass where the player has to seamlessly start improvising both with their words and on the bass without the audience actually knowing where the improvisation begins and the written music ends. It’s kind of like writing right now — where’s the exact word where I started just brain-dumping? Even I don’t know, if I’m being honest, and that’s kind of a good thing. This is my way of getting the “volunteer sentences” (as Klinkenborg calls them) out of my mind, it’s my way of rummaging around whatever is just below the surface of my brain and throwing out the unmeaningful detritus. I really should shower since I just went on a hard run and have been sitting around for about an hour now “eating breakfast” when in reality I’ve just been on Twitter. I don’t think that’s a part of my highest self. I’m partially doing all of this because I don’t want to get started meditating for some reason. Or I don’t want to get started writing. But I have to do those things each and every day, so, might as well do them now. See you on the other side.